Beyond 37

Started on

January 22, 2014

It’s hard to believe today marks 20 years since Clerks screening at the Sundance Film Festival in 1994.  That it’s been 20 years of making my mark in the cult world and creating a legacy as I see, along with the others in the cast and crew, especially Kevin as inspiration for others to pursue whatever it is they dream for themselves in their life.  

Maybe some may see me as a one hit wonder, or a has been.  Some, as someone who didn’t really have talent and others, who’s life was impacted in a way you can only hope with the performance you gave.  Love me or hate me, I’m so honored to have been part of this wonderful film and experience that I feel spoke to so many.  Also to have shared it with an actor, Brian O’Halloran, whom when I first saw on stage, I was impressed with on his performance as Renfield in Dracula.  And then had the honor and opportunity to work with several times on the stage.  And looking so forward to having that experience again  with the crew that will be there from the first film as well as anyone new that is there for Clerks III.   

It’s times like these that I wish I kept a diary so that I can remember the details that too often get lost in my memories and become like a foggy mist in my mind.  I’m hoping that as I go down memory lane, my mind will get triggered to best remember everything.

Since realizing that it’s been 20 years, I often thought about all the memories and everything that has happened since hearing about and going to the audition at the First Avenue Playhouse in Atlantic Highlands, NJ.  The community theater where I first saw Brian and had some of my fondest memories at as well with some productions I’ve appeared in.  I was in a production in Red Bank, NJ of Same Time Next Year with another Clerks cast member Ken Clark, and the news through the grapevine there was a kid, as it was said, making a movie and they’re holding auditions.  I just remember some people seemed to make a joke of the situation.  But to me it was a chance to take what I’ve learned on the stage and see if I get the chance to do it in a film.  

I made sure to brush up on the monologue that every actor is supposed to have in case of an audition where monologue is needed.  I loved my monologue as I feel it’s everything I completely felt.  It was a monologue I got out of one of many monologue books out on the market by Laura Harrington titled Night Luster.  It was about a young women who felt like she was invisible but had so much to say and no one could hear her.  Being a middle child, it’s exactly how I’ve felt, all my life.  Not just within my family, but in life as well.  And it wasn’t till I had my first taste on the stage did I feel what it was like to actually have people listen to what it was that you were saying.  To feel like you have a voice, and be heard and not interrupted by what was most important to them about their own life.  But as great as I would do that monologue when by myself, I don’t feel I did the best that night.  And after seeing it on the 10th anniversary DVD, yea, how I felt I did was validated.  Sure it was fine, at least it got me the job, but while doing it I felt I was forcing the emotions that normally came easily to me with it because as I said they were emotions that I have felt.  Did I get some of the tears, sure, but not how I would have liked.  But impressive enough that I heard Kevin was awed at the fact that I could cry.  

I don’t know maybe it was the fact that although there were a decent amount of people there, but there didn’t seem to be all that many people auditioning.  Back then the audition process wasn’t something that I excelled in.  It’s most beginning actors curse.  But something that I’ve learned to at least work through and not let it sabotage me.  The beginning actor holds so much onto that audition, that it shows the nervousness, and want to impress and do well, that it will ultimately be the downfall.  And I’m not the delusional actor that doesn’t know when I haven’t or have done well.  I’m glad that I’m able to be critical of my own work and know that I’ve either done what I was supposed to do, I missed the mark or fell somewhere in between.  But perception is different for all and what might have been terrible for me may have been great for someone else.  So I’ve learned don’t ever judge your performance, even if it’s an audition, right there in front of those your auditioning for, because they could have loved what you did and you just planted the negative seed in their head with your own judgements of yourself and cost yourself the job.  And your delivery isn’t necessarily what’s going to get you the job, because as I’ve learned through the years, that alone will not get you the job, or cost you the job.  So many other factors come into play that have nothing to do with you or how well or bad you did.  

Once I was done, I have a vague recollection of just looking down at Kevin, Ed Hapstak, and a couple of others, but don’t exactly remember who, but they seemed to have liked it.  Ok, good.  Now get off the stage.  Don’t remember quite how long I stayed afterwards, if I did at all.  But I didn’t really see anyone else that I might have stayed for that I knew.  A couple or few days went by and I got a call from Kevin….